You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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