I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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