No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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