wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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