my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We need a shit load of segways right now
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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