I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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