I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
