my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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