Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
