I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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