Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
