i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm at about main and main street
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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