tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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