The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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