I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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