He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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