omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
