I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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