Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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