She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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