I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
