Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
