You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
