my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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