No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
