dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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