How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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