Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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