Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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