How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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