Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
