Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
