Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
