The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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