never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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