please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I've blown a few things in my day
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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