not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just high enough for therapy.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
