i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
