i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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