Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
