i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
