3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
