allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
