I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I see more hoeing in ur future
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