Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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