Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
