I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
