It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
