Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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