Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
