you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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